why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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