This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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