new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
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