Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Randomize
