Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Randomize