Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
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