I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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