I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
