i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
