i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Randomize
