fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
