a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Randomize
