Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
My bed smells like the plague
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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