And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
she told me i tasted like america
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
