I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
