I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
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the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
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be right there i have to get my cape
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
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