it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
