I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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