I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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