Just took my morning after pill in the library
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
