remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
