The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
