I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Randomize