i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Randomize
