I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
