This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
