I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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