3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
