The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
