So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Randomize
