that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
