Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
