I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Randomize
