I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Randomize
