I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
