oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
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