There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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