the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
