Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
