mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
