Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
