Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
