I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
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