Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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