Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I just had sex on a roof
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
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