I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
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