You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize