Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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