3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
