i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
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I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
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Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize