my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
