the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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