Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
