my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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