I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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