theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
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