Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
