So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Randomize
