We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
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