also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Buhtt sex?
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
whose ass print is on the piano?
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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