Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
