Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
